(You decide that they’ll brush teeth before you read the story.) With More Choices, Offer More GuidanceĪs the child gets older, you may offer more choices, but give them criteria you would use to help make a good decision. (You decide what dish to use, and where they sit.) A 4 year old has four bedtime stories to choose between. (And you just put a pair of pants on them without them having to also make that decision.) A 3 year old chooses between cereal, toast, or yogurt.
A 2 year old chooses between the red shirt and the blue shirt. A good rule of thumb for little ones is to offer just one decision at a time, and for that decision, offer as many options as the child is years old. Too many overwhelming choices in one day will lead to meltdowns. Some parents make the mistake of offering too many options, which can be overwhelming for a little one. I set the limits that would work for us both and gave him some insight into my decision-making.) How Many Choices to Offer that wasn’t one of my options, so I have to think about that… it is a lot like the apple and peanut butter option, and I know we have those things, so yes, you could choose that.” (Notice, I let him make a choice that wasn’t in the options but I was still the one in control of deciding whether that option was available. If he said “can I have grapes and string cheese?” I’d say “hmm…. If he then asked for waffles, I could say “sorry buddy, we’re out of waffles – you can choose….” and reiterate the reasonable options. I control what options are on the table, he decides which one of those to choose. So… first, I think about these things, I think about what options are possible, and then when I say “what do you want for breakfast – cheerios, yogurt, or an apple and peanut butter?” I know that all of these things are possible and that I would be fine with him making any of those choices. I can’t expect a young child to remember what food we have in the freezer right now, to know how long it would take to prepare food and whether that would make us late to school, or any of those other details I’m taking into consideration. Instead, before I offer a choice, I need to decide what acceptable options are. (Or I could just give in and say yes to anything he demanded, but then I’d be cranky and resentful and he’d learn he gets anything he wants if he complains enough.) It’s just setting us up for frustration on both sides.
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And if then he chose a fruit salad, I’d say “I don’t have time to make that.” If then he said mac and cheese, then I’d say no, and then we have a power struggle on our hands when I describe all the rational reasons these choices are not an option, and he’d say “but you said I could choose anything.” On a busy morning when we’re in a hurry to get out of the house, it would be unfair of me to tell my son “pick anything you want to eat for breakfast.” Because if he chose waffles and we ran out yesterday, that’s a bummer. Then the child chooses between those options. It is the parent’s job to decide what options are available.
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But, like all the tools in the discipline toolbox, it helps if you know some basic ideas about how to use a tool in order to get the best results. It can be a very helpful technique for building cooperation with your kids, avoiding power struggles, and helping them learn decision-making skills. Parents often talk about “offering choices” to children.
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